The Flip Side Blog

It's A Family Affair

2009-08-31T12:40:00.000-07:00

Of the top five issues that couples fight about the most frequently, I would rank fighting about in-laws at number four (with money, sex, parenting and division of labor rounding out the list). From my conversations with couples over the past few weeks, it seems that fighting about in-laws may be inching up to number three. I discussed the challenge that couples face dealing with their in-laws in an earlier post titled The Ol' Battle-Axe. That post discussed two studies: one that concluded that in-law relationships have a major impact on marital satisfaction and another that reported that problems with in-laws take more of a toll on women than men.

While the conclusions of these two studies confirm what therapists have known for a long-time, they don't offer any concrete advice for couples searching for ways to deal with their in-law issues more effectively. Here are two in-law scenarios that I have dealt with in my office recently. As you can see, it doesn't matter what the specific issue is as long as couples can cope with it while staying connected with each other.

Can you come over? I need some help.

A patient I see -- I'll call her Karen -- recently recounted a very common predicament. Karen's father-in-law passed away a year ago. Her mother-in-law, has now been asking Karen's husband to travel over an hour to help with her housework. Karen's husband obviously feels bound to help his widowed mother, but his long hours at work limits his family time. The result is that he has significantly less time to spend with his two young children. Karen sympathizes with her mother-in-law, but thinks that her husband is giving up too much.

This couple has the challenge of agreeing on an appropriate balance that maintains the priority of family time and allows him to also help his mother, thus meeting both of their needs. This can be something like setting a specific schedule so Karen's husband is not at the beck and call of his mother. Or, they can go visit his mother together, taking their kids with them. Whatever the solution, they have to formulate it together and set limits that his mother will have to accept.

We let you eat candy, and you survived.

Another woman, Barbara, that I spoke with last week refused to let her 6-year old son be alone with her in-laws because they refused to enforce the rules that the she and her husband have set. Barbara's husband felt that his wife was overreacting and was angry that she was keeping the kids from having a relationship with their grandparents.

While the grandparents should follow the rules that the parents set for the kids, spending time with grandma and grandpa also should be fun for the kids. In other words, it's okay to relax some of the rules some of the time. However, the parents need to agree on what rules are absolutely essential for the grandparents to follow (car seats, dietary restrictions, etc) and express the balance to each of their parents. Putting these rules in the context of being best for the children may help the grandparents to understand. If they don't comply, then my patient is right -- they should not be allowed to watch the kids alone. But that conclusion should only be reached after communicating with her spouse and her in-laws.

Complications with in-laws is a natural consequence of blending families and shouldn't have to be a major source of strife within a marriage. As long as there is a free-flowing exchange of concerns, thoughts, and compromises between you and your spouse, your relationship with your in-laws can be rich and satisfying.

Gone Fishing

2009-08-14T14:15:00.000-07:00

As I will be enjoying some rest and relaxation on beautiful LBI, the Flip Side Blog will be on hiatus for a few weeks. My next new post will be on 8/28. Hope you are enjoying your summer.

Sex, Porn, and Dishes

2009-08-07T11:42:00.000-07:00

Last year, we discussed the fact that men are now sharing more of the burden of the domestic chores and responsibilities than ever before (The Domestic Divide). Though they only do about 30% of typical household tasks such as childcare and cleaning, it's a drastic increase from previous studies. For the female readership, I have some new information that might spur your husband to don an apron and cleaning gloves: women find it sexy when men do housework. That's right, men who empty the dishwasher have a better sex life and, thus, a more satisfying marriage.

It's a wonderful thing. The husband shares the thankless household chores and the responsibilities of childcare and the wife gets turned on. It makes sense, right? When a man does housework, it not only communicates to his wife caring and concern but also contributes to a feeling of being in it together. It should be a win/win, but there is one major problem. Dr. Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reports that a woman's marital satisfaction will increase as her partner takes a more active role in the housework, but as a result, his marital satisfaction decreases. No wonder this is such a hard sell for most men. It's a shame, isn't it? Men are missing the opportunity for a healthy, satisfying sexual relationship because they don't want to chip in and clean up.

Now, let's go from dishes to pornography. It turns out that women like porn almost as much as men. In the first three months of 2007, according to Nielsen/NetRatings, approximately one in three visitors to adult entertainment Web sites were female; during the same period nearly 13 million women were checking out porn online at least once each month. So for all the men (and women) who hide their enjoyment of pornography (which can be a healthy and normal behavior in relationships), here might be a good way for you to introduce it to your marriage. In my practice, I find that couples who share this experience have a greater intimacy and a stronger comfort level in talking about sex. I'll be the first to admit that dishes and porn are not a usual pairing. Experienced separately, each can be a source of resentment and conflict for couples that causes rifts in marriages. When shared, though, it's proven that they bring couples together in a very special way.

So hear here are three questions to discuss with your partner to heat up those sweltering dog days of summer. Can you more effectively integrate sex, porn, and dishes into your marriage? Can your male partner begin to see that sharing the domestic responsibilities improves the marriage, both emotionally and physically? Can you discuss your affection for pornography with your partner so that you can share the pleasure instead of keeping it a secret? I'd be curious to know how that conversation goes.

Nag, Nag, Nag (Part Two)

2009-07-31T18:02:00.000-07:00

You might be surprised at which entry on The Flip Side Blog has generated the liveliest discussion over the past 14 months. It wasn't infidelity, sex, children, or money management. When I wrote about nagging in relationships (Nag, Nag, Nag), the comments section lit up. The comments were mostly from women, remarking on the frustration that comes from having to nag and the fights that inevitably ensue from the nagging. For anyone who thinks that nagging is an effective communication tool, think again. Nagging is a real problem in many relationships.
,
Did you take the garbage out? Do you really need that piece of cake? Are you going to lie on that couch all day? These questions are sure to result in one of several reactions. Either the couple will fight, one or both people will feel resentful, or the request will be ignored altogether. Men hate it. Women hate it. So why do we do it?

We nag people whom we love deeply. Sometimes we don't quite express that love clearly enough, so the concern comes across as annoying and ineffective. The problem is that it doesn't always feel like loving concern. Often it is interpreted as mistrust, meddling or character assassination. In a book called Women's Work Is Never Done... and Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Other Women, B.J. Gallagher suggests that nagging women have quite a negative stereotype in the male world. "Nagging women are often seen as verbally castrating their husbands, emasculating them and turning them into resentful or resigned wusses. Women who nag their children are destroying what fragile self-esteem they might have, leaving their kids a legacy of years on a therapist's couch."

This is not to say that the onus is only on the women -- men contribute significantly to the problem as well. Men sometimes exercise control by ignoring their spouse's requests and deciding that they will comply on their own time table, if at all. This strategy, without negotiating, is destructive for any relationship. So what can a couple do to eliminate nagging in their relationship?

Harris Straytner, Ph.D a psychologist at Mt. Sinai Medical Center in New York, offers some interesting insights into solving this problem. He coined the term "carefrontation" as an alternative to nagging. The basic idea is to make suggestions in a positive way without attitude. As the saying goes "it is not what you say, it is how you say it." Calling your partner lazy because they won't clean the basement will just make them resent you. Instead, join together to plan how this unpleasant task, or any other unpleasant tast, can be accomplished. Cooperation and understanding are the behaviors that eliminate nagging.

It's All About the Hormones!

2009-07-24T15:13:00.000-07:00

One of the interesting changes that I have observed over the eight years that I have been attending the SmartMarriages Conference is the increase in research about how hormones affect our behavior in relationships. When it comes to discussions about hormones and behavior, the conversation has historically focused on women, PMS, and hot flashes. But according to the research presented at the conference earlier this month, hormones influence the way we behave with each other as well as our environment in very substantive ways and effect men as much as women.

Understanding hormonal influences can help to answer the age-old mystery of why men can sleep with random women with no emotional attachments while women need to form a relationship before they feel comfortable connecting sexually (most of the time). One hand, it comes down to instincts and genetics: men are wired to go forth and multiply and women focus on finding a mate to protect the children she may bear. Lisa Diamond, Ph.D. an associate professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, found that women show greater release of oxytocin -- the hormone responsible for bonding -- during sex, (especially at the time of orgasm) than men. She also notes that the two brain hemispheres are not as well connected in men than in women. This gives men the ability to focus on one thing at a time and be goal oriented, whereas the female brain is built to assimilate many feelings at once and to connect sex and love much more rapidly. So while it's easy to stereotype men as having one-track minds, Dr. Diamond's research shows that there's real science behind that.

Hormones also dictate the way men and women enjoy sports. Although football has a lot of female fans, men are drawn to football (and boxing and wrestling) in ways that women aren't. Men tend to be more aggressive than women because of how testosterone registers in parts of the brain such as the hypothalamus -- which, in animals, is associated with aggression. Watching a combative sport or, better yet, watching their own team win has been proven to increase the levels of testosterone in the brain, thus triggering instinctive masculine feelings like domination, risk-taking, and competition.

Why is it important to understand the role that hormones play in relationships? Because the basis of conflict between men and women is often associated with the different ways men and women perceive the world. If we can understand how hormones influence these perceptions maybe we can figure out how to incorporate the differences between men and women into our relationships instead of just letting the hormones get in the way.

The Male Mystique

2009-07-17T14:53:00.000-07:00

The conventional wisdom in our society is that women are a lot more complicated than men when it comes to their reactions to love and romance. The joke that circulates on the Internet shows a picture of 2 control panels -- the one marked female has many dials, meters and buttons and the one marked male simply has an on/off switch. Of course, understanding the gender differences in the way we think has never been that simple. The male response to relationships and sex was the subject of several of the workshops that I attended at the Smartmarriage Conference in Orlando last week. New research was presented that confirmed that men are just as complex as women in their thinking and behavior towards their relationships as well as their attitudes towards their own sexuality.

It is not easy growing up male. The focus on performance instead of pleasure is a message that men receive from early adolescence. The commercials for Viagra, Cialis and Levitra are the most egregious example of this not so subtle cultural indoctrination that is broadcast to all of the guys out there. Sure the couples in the commercials look happy but the message is clear that their happiness is a result of his ability to attain an erection. Sexual conquests and Olympic-caliber sexual performance are the unrealistic standards that men judge themselves when evaluating their sexual performance. Men who receive their sexual education from viewing pornography on the Internet develop a particularly unrealistic image of what a healthy and loving sexual relationship is between a man and women. In addition, men and women share the view that it is the man who is supposed to take the lead in initiating sexual encounters in relationships.

It turns out that men are not responding to this pressure to perform sexually all that well. Besides a growing incidence of erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, men report feelings of shame and anxiety when discussing their own sexuality. Dr. Barry McCarthy and Dr. Michael Metz discussed the issues that men confront in their book Men's Sexual Health: Fitness For Satisfying Sex. The challenge is for men to replace the goal of performance in their sexual relationships with the focus on achieving pleasure when being physically intimate with their partners. Developing a unique sexual style with their partner that focuses on achieving pleasure--not orgasms--is essential to for couples to maintain a healthy sexual relationship that can continue to grow as their relationship matures.

More from Smartmarriages next week.

Greetings From Orlando

2009-07-10T14:36:00.000-07:00

No new post this week. I have been attending the Smartmarriages Conference in very rainy and stormy Florida and have been busy learning many new theories and perspectives about sex, infidelity and relationships. I will be sharing everything that I learned with you in the coming weeks and months. Check back next week for my next new post.

Couples Beware: Your Marriage Can Make You Fat

2009-07-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

They can't leave well enough alone. Those marital researchers have to stop doing studies that expose the truth about relationships. Last summer, I told you about two studies that were conducted that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that being married not only keeps you healthy but it can extend your life expectancy by five years (. . . And it's Good For You Too!). Not even one year later, the results of yet another study indicate, that although being married might decrease your blood pressure and reduce your risk of heart disease, cancer and depression, the sad truth is that within a few short years of getting married, individuals are twice as likely to become obese as are people who are merely dating. Interesting paradox.

The study, which is published in the July issue of Obesity, set out to determine how romantic relationships affect weight gain. Penny Gordon-Larsen and Natalie The, two nutrition epidemiologists at the University of North Carolina, tracked changes over several years on 6,949 individuals, to see how their weight corresponded with their relationship status. Their findings may not bode well for commitment. Not only are married people more likely to become obese than those who are just dating, but young people who move in together tend to pack on the pounds too. The study also reports that unmarried women who have been living with their partner for five years or less run a 63% risk of obesity while unmarried men generally have no increased risk duringcohabitation.

The two researchers have their theories about why relationships can cause weight gain: Mealtime may become more important than it was when the people were living alone. Many couples report not going to the gym as often as they did when they were single. Scientists have known for a while that having a closerelationship with an obese person, whether a friend or a spouse, makes you more likely to become obese. As couples establish an intimate relationship, they often begin to adopt characteristics-- both negative and positive--of their partners. So maybe gaining weight is just one of those characteristics.

Joining together to make sure that they don't suffer this unpleasant fate can be a big challenge for any couple. Supporting each other in maintaining a healthy lifestyle needs to become a goal of therelationship that both individuals work towards. For thirty years, I have been suggesting that couples walk together to stay connected but now they will just have to walk faster to burn more calories. Have a healthy holiday weekend.

Those Cheating Fools

2009-06-26T07:57:00.000-07:00

It seems that we are always adding names to our list of marriage failures of the rich and powerful but this was a particularly bad week. As we have discussed in several posts on this blog (Beyond Infidelity and That Cheating Fool), celebrity breakups make us forget about our own marital challenges and allow us a little bit of guilt-free schadenfreude. It was no surprise to anyone that Jon and Kate didn't make it, and now there are now two more political casualties--Senator John Ensign of Nevada and Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina--both of whom admitted to having extra-marital affairs. I thought Jon Stewart summed up Governor Sanford's trouble the best: "He had a conservative mind and a liberal penis."

Unfortunately, I think the poor marital role models that consume us are beginning to have a destructive effect on the institution of marriage in general. Here are the amazing and disturbing results from a new poll conducted by Women's Day and AOL Living, who surveyed 35,000 women to find out what goes on behind the bedroom door.It seems that an incredible 72% of the women surveyed considered leaving their husband and more than half (57%) sometimes regret marrying him. I guess we should ask 35,000 men the same question to get a really accurate perspective of how much trouble we are really in when it comes to keeping our marriages intact although I do not think that the results would be substantively different.

The one statistic from this survey that gives me hope is that despite the problems 71% said that they were still in their marriage for the long haul and expect to be married to their spouse for the rest of their lives.Although almost 75% of women consider leaving their marriage, almost an equal percentage work through the marital turmoil and remain committed to their marriage -- generally referred to as "working on a marriage."

We see that happening this week, as neither Senator Ensign nor Governor Sanford seem to be getting a divorce quite yet with each stating that their goal is to work through this trauma (although, we still have to hear from their wives). Each couple reacts to infidelity differently. For some, divorce is inevitable; the breach of trust can sometimes be just too much to handle. But couples who confront this breach with transparency and a desire to make the relationship a priority again along with an apology from the cheater and forgiveness from the cheatee take the first important steps to repairing the relationship.

Jon and Kate are a perfect example of the mistakes that couples make when they react to infidelity with emotion and not reason. Convincing themselves that divorce is less destructive to the kids than arguing in front of them ignores the option of learning to control their fights and protecting the family from the trauma of divorce. Make no mistake, divorce is destructive to everybody in the family, especially the kids, and should be considered the last option, and only if the marriage is irreparably broken.

Happy Father's Day to the Doting Dads

2009-06-19T21:26:00.000-07:00

To the many dads who feel that they are just a paycheck to their family (I hear it in my office all the time) it seems that you are more important than you think. A new study just published revealed that when it comes to preventing risky teen sex there may be no better deterrent than fathers who are involved in their kid's lives. Researchers found that the more attentive the dad -- and the more he knows about the teenage child's friends -- the bigger the impact on the teen's sexual behavior. This isn't to take away from the influence of the mother, which is significant. But this study shows fathers having twice as much impact on a teen's sexual activity.

Published in Child Development, Rebekah Levine Coley, an associate professor at Boston College, studied 3,206 teens, ages 13-18 who were interviewed once a year for four years. The teens, who all came from two-parent homes, were asked about their sexual behaviors and about their relationships with their parents. Researchers posed a series of questions about both mothers and fathers, such as "how much does s/he know about whom you are with when you are not home?" The teens were also asked how often they interacted with their parents eating dinner, playing games or attending religious activities.

Parental knowledge of a teen’s friends and activities was rated on a five point scale. When it came to the dads, each point higher in parental knowledge translated into a 7 percent lower rate of sexual activity in the teen. For the moms, one point higher in knowledge translated to a 3 percent lower rate of teen sexual activity.The impact of family time overall was even more striking. One additional family activity per week predicted a 9 percent drop in sexual activity.

Why would dads have a more powerful influence than moms? One theory is that moms are more of a constant in a child's life and when dads are present, their impact is more magnified. An involved dad also reduces the stress on the mom because he shares the child-rearing responsibilities with her. In other words, dad's positive effect on mom makes life better for the child.

Whatever the reason, this study makes clear that both parents need to be involved with their kids, especially during their adolescence. While it may be normal for teenagers to pull away from their parents, it doesn't mean that they want to completely detach from the family. It's up to the parents to set the expectations and standards when it comes to spending time together. I'll never forget the adolescent in my office who told she "wished my parents would tell me no." How active are you in your child's life? Do you find that the parenting responsibilities are split evenly between mothers and fathers?

Happy Father's Day!

It's Just a Date!

2009-06-12T14:18:00.000-07:00

Take a look at our president. He has quite the full plate: he's fighting wars in Iraq and Afghanistan; he's trying to revive our struggling economy; he's rebranding American foreign policy; he's trying to fix healthcare, education, and energy. And then, on top of all that, he's a family man. Two weeks ago, Barack fulfilled a promise he made to Michelle during the campaign and took her on the quintessential New York City marital date: dinner at a West Village bistro and then to a Broadway show (only instead of taking Amtrak from Washington, they took Air Force One). The reaction from the public to this extraordinary event has been fascinating. Jon Stewart implored him to "take it down a notch, dude." Obama's critics are questioning whether the tax payers should foot the bill for the Obamas to travel to New York when there are perfectly good restaurants and theater in DC (after all, they have a reserved box at The Kennedy Center). And his supporters are impressed by the continued public displays of affection by the First Couple.

The President and First Lady going out on a date makes a powerful statement. It is not so unusual for a married couple to go to dinner and the theater on a Saturday night (it ranks as the #1 date in my marriage). But this particular date is important for two major reasons. First, the Obamas continue to demonstrate that their marriage remains an important priority. In the midst of President Obama leading the free world and Michelle serving as an advocate for healthy eating and strong families, spending time with each other is just as important. It makes all the excuses that we come up with in our own lives--too busy, too tired, too whatever--seem silly and weak. Secondly -- and perhaps most importantly -- is that Barack kept a promise he made to Michelle. Credibility always strengthens a marriage.

Some in the media and the Internet who wrote about the big night out for the Obamas focused on the President throwing down the gauntlet to all of the husbands in America -- if the President can take his wife on a date, what's your excuse? Jan Hoffman wrote in The New York Times that the President has placed "an elbow in the ribs of husbands" by making date night with Michelle a priority. I doubt that making a point to his fellow husbands across the country was the motivation for his night out, but I do think they are acutely aware of their impact on couples and are trying to set a good example. All of us who value our relationships should be going out for a fun night with our partners. Even if you don't have access to Air Force One to fly to another city or have your mother-in-law as a built-in babysitter, you can still make time to spend alone with your spouse and enjoy a night out, just the two of you.

Have you been on any great dates lately?

Dangerous Friends

2009-06-05T16:12:00.000-07:00

Continuing the discussion about the devastating marital trauma that is infidelity, let's move on from Jon and Kate's misery and learn how to prevent our own. In my post last year called Beyond Infidelity, I briefly touched on an issue that I've been seeing more of lately in my practice -- emotional affairs. These are so-called Extramarital Friendships. You know, the relationships that can form between colleagues or with an old lover who has recently resurfaced (Here's to Old Friends and Here's to Old Friends, Part II). They're quite common and, on the surface at least, seemingly harmless. But while these emotional affairs steer clear of physical intimacy, they do involve secrecy, deception, and therefore betrayal.

When this problem arises in my practice, I'm often told that these kinds of friendships are not a threat to the marriage since there's no sex involved. My response to this is the breach of trust is more destructive to the relationship than the sex. Their response to that is often defensive and angry. Because these destructive relationships sometimes form even if the individual describes their marriage as healthy and satisfying, the notion that a "friendship" can adversely affect their marriage can come as a shock. But if we get down to it, most people are not on the lookout for an extramarital relationship. They may admit that their relationship isn't fun anymore, and they sometimes feel isolated and disconnected from their partner but they deny that they are actively looking to have an affair. Colleagues who are connected because they work together have a valid reason to talk to each other but when the conversation turns more personal than professional they have breached a marital boundary.

I've come up with a trick to spotting these issues early. Just ask yourself these few questions. If the answers are yes, then you should have an honest talk with your spouse about your marriage. If the answers are no, then invite your friend over for dinner and let your spouse get to know them too.

Signs that you are becoming more than ”just friends”

· Do you confide in your friend more than your spouse about your day?
· Do you share negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend instead of your spouse?
· Are you open with your spouse about the level of involvement with your friend?
· Would you feel comfortable with your spouse listening to your conversations with your friend?
· Would you feel comfortable with your spouse seeing a videotape of your meetings with your friend?
· Do you and your friend talk differently when you’re alone than when you are with others?
· Are you aware of sexual tension in your relationship with your friend?

Can Their Marriage Be Saved?

2009-05-29T16:13:00.000-07:00

Since my daughter has returned from her semester abroad, it's been a battle over the remote at my house. I've been exiled to my bedroom to catch up on the news while she commandeers the family room to watch shows like "Intervention" and "Obsessed." Last weekend was a marathon of last season's "Jon and Kate Plus 8" in anticipation of the upcoming season premiere. If you don't have a college-age daughter or have been living under a rock, this is the TLC reality show about a couple with 8 children. They've been in the tabloids lately because a rumor has come out alleging an affair between Jon and a 23-year old teacher. Leave it to the tabloids to bring marriage into the popular culture once again.

Let me recap briefly: "Jon and Kate" chronicles the family life of this 30-something couple who have been married for almost 11 years. They have one set of fraternal twin girls and a set of sextuplets (three girls and three boys). As I have written before on this blog (Mixed Blessings, Mixed Blessings, Part II) children create an enormous amount of stress for married couples and are often the source of marital failure. Having 8 children under the age of 9, along with all of the attention and publicity that is associated with having a weekly TV show, the marriage was a high-risk venture and needed extra care to survive. The show is fascinating and entertaining on a lot of levels (the main one being how adorable their children are). As a marital therapist, the show is particularly interesting as a case study of a couple. Watching Jon and Kate interact with each other and parent their large brood of children, it was clear to me that they weren't good at protecting their relationship. He seemed angry and aloof; she appeared to be controlling and moody--not a good recipe for marital bliss. From what I see on the show, it seems to me that if Jon and Kate don't get professional help, they're in trouble.

As with most cases of marital infidelity, the advice that this couple is receiving is not always very helpful. Some bloggers agree that they should get marital therapy but suggest that the sessions should be filmed and incorporated into the show (this idea might help their ratings but will do little for their marriage). Others suggest that they should set aside their marital differences so they can continue to earn the $50,000 - $75,000 per episode. My feeling is that Jon and Kate have to decide what their priorities are. If they are serious about surviving together to provide a solid family life for their children they should enter into therapy sooner than later and put their television careers on hold. During one of the last episodes last year, Jon and Kate went to Hawaii to renew their vows to strengthen their marriage. They are going to have to do more than that to fix the problems in their marriage and heal from the trauma of infidelity (assuming that's true). Couples can work through the trauma of infidelity but only if they are willing to put their relationship first.

Everyone else is offering their opinion about Jon and Kate's marital distress -- what are your thoughts?

And the Winner is . . . MONEY!

2009-05-22T19:45:00.001-07:00

Believe it or not, we are closing in on the one-year anniversary of The Flip Side Blog! I can't stress enough how much I've enjoyed exploring the different issues that face relationships, marriage, and parenting. Though I will admit that my self-imposed deadline of posting every Friday is not always the most fun. In honor of this anniversary, I'd like to take a moment to look back at some of the more popular discussions. Out of the 49 posts that I have written this year, it should come as no surprise to my readers that 5 of them focused on the challenges of dealing with money as a couple and as a family. Money was more popular than dealing with blended families, sex, infidelity, and the challenges that couples face in determining an equitable division of labor. It comes as no surprise to me -- money is still the number one subject that couples fight about.

What better way to celebrate this most popular subject than by continuing the conversation. I recently read an article on CNN about breaking the taboo of talking to your family about money. One psychologist was quoted in the article saying that "it's easier to talk about sex than it is to talk about money in our society." As with the subjects of sex and drugs, there seems to be a generational gap in the language and philosophy of spending and saving money. But the current economic situation has compelled us to take a hard look at our own personal habits and changed our priorities and spending habits. Baby boomers grew up with a sense of entitlement about money, an attitude that was often passed down to their kids. Now that savings have dwindled as the financial crisis has deepened, retirements have to be delayed and many families have been forced to cut back for the first time.

This insight doesn't change the fact that couples and families have to move the conversation about their financial realities to the top of their priority list. The couple has to be open and honest with each other when they discuss money and then decide together how to communicate these realities to their kids. Families need to band together during these trying times. The current financial crisis presents an opportunity to not only change your kids' attitudes about money but to let them feel secure in the fact that the family will get through any financial adversity together. As with all fearful subjects, kids and adults cope more effectively when they have all of the necessary information, as well as emotional support of their family.

How are you and your partner dealing with the new financial realities? Have you had any uncomfortable conversations lately? Is it taboo in your house to talk to your family about money?

And as we head into the second year of The Flip Side blog, please email any relationship subject ideas that you'd like to discuss.

No New Post

2009-05-17T19:13:00.001-07:00

Unfortunately, my daughter's graduation weekend in Boston prevented me from writing a new post this week. Check back this Friday when I will comment on another thought provoking topic on relationships. See you then.

50 Ways to Hurt Your Lover

2009-05-08T14:32:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I'm wading into dangerous waters with this subject, but I'd like to look at the ways that we make our partners feel terrible. Nice, right? In a recent blog post, titled "Marriage Problems: 50 Ways to Cause Fear and Shame", Steven Stosny, Ph.D. covers the top fifty ways couples can be cruel to one another. In the interest of time and not overdoing it, I'm only going to talk about ten. Dr. Stosny is a well-respected expert on anger, resentment, and emotional abuse in relationships. I wanted to share this list with you because it identifies concrete actions that men and women exhibit that allows the ancient fear/shame dynamic to secretly undermine our intimate relationships. Dr. Stosny describes what happens when couples fight as a "usually subtle (but sometimes obvious) anxiety or fear in one partner that triggers shame-avoidant behavior (withdrawal or anger) in the other, and vice versa." In other words, the way you treat each other during a fight is much more important than the issue you are fighting about.

Now that we understand how we are hurting ourselves and our partners, here are five behaviors that men and women exhibit that can cause fear and shame in their partners. At the end of a weekend workshop on a similar issue, men were asked to list all of the ways they are likely to make their partner anxious and women were asked to list all the ways they are likely to inadvertently shame their partner. Here's what they said:

Top 5 Ways to Make a Woman Anxious or Afraid

Ignore her
Tell her what to do
Be short with your answers
Tune out her feelings
Stonewall or give her the cold shoulder

Top 5 Ways to Stimulate Shame in a Man

Exclude him from important decisions
Correct what he says
Question his judgment
Give unsolicited advice
Dismiss his opinion

Some of this probably looks painfully familiar. Why would we treat our partners--the loves of our lives!--with such despicable behavior? It seems cold and heartless to see it printed on a screen, but more often than not, these feelings are triggered inadvertently and in a subtle manner (though, obviously, there are exceptions). Without intending, we often exploit the weaknesses in our partners for our own selfish purpose and hurt them in the process. Some couples develop these bad habits early and continue to maintain this destructive pattern throughout their relationship; others develop these behaviors as a reaction to stressful and upsetting circumstances that occur outside the relationship.

Most of us would admit that there are times we do not treat our partner with the utmost respect and compassion that they deserve. In fact, it's dreadfully easy to morph into the worst versions of ourselves. It's easy to rationalize: it's not us, it's them; we're stressed, tired, overworked; etc. So how do we move past this? For one, we need to be more aware of our moods and emotions. When you're irritable and cranky, tell your partner and take some alone time. When your partner becomes the same way, urge them to take a break. Then, when you're both feeling better, talk about whether it was something your partner did, or if it was just a bad day. The more you communicate, the less harmful you'll be.

Have you seen this pattern in your own relationship? How do you cope?

The Three Legged Stool

2009-05-03T00:26:00.000-07:00

I came back from a fabulous trip to Italy with my family to see some heated debate about my last post. It seems that the difficulties of balancing individual needs versus those of the couple are particularly vexing to us in our relationships. Why do we find it so hard to take care of ourselves and our relationships at the same time? This conflict is at the core of most marital problems that I see in my office -- establishing a fair and equitable balance that gives each spouse the opportunity to pursue their own priorities while also tending to to the responsibilities of being a parent and a spouse. Throw in the ever-present issues present in relationships like trust, fairness, and power and you have the ingredients for a major marital challenge.

Let's take a closer look at some of those comments. One person described the primary battle in their relationship as "finding a way to remain an individual while staying in a "committed" relationship. My partner believes that commitment means being together at every opportunity, while I find it threatening if I lose my independence." Let me offer another way to look at relationships that might provide some direction for all of us struggling with this difficult balance.

Good relationships are constructed like a three legged stool. The three legs are represented by the two individuals in the relationship and the third leg is the relationship itself. The stool cannot sustain any significant weight if any of the three legs is weak or shaky. The individuals in the relationship generate the energy to keep it fresh and vibrant while also providing rules and expectations for how it is to function. The two individuals need to communicate with one another so that their distinctive personalities, dreams, and goals are not subsumed by the relationship. The personal goals of the individuals and the couple is not mutually exclusive. They can be incorporated into the shared goals and vision of the relationship.But it's important to provide just as much attention to the third leg as to the other two. Spending time alone or going out alone with friends will not be a problem if there is also plenty of time set aside to share with your partner. It's all about balance!

Have you had a specific experience that's tested the balance of your relationship? Have your partner read this post and discuss it with them. Let's keep talking about how to take care of yourself as well as your relationship. I hope that those couples who read this blog who are successful in achieving this balance will also share their strategies.

Taking Your Marriage for a Ride

2009-04-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

Do the highs and lows of your marriage sometimes make you feel like you are on a roller coaster ride? Or would you describe it more like a merry-go-round, going round and round with your spouse and not getting anywhere? There have been two experiments recently that illustrate these two different ways of thinking about marriages.

For years, I have been using the "emotional roller coaster" reference to describe marriage under crisis -- couples who have to cope with the intense emotional swings in their relationship in order to survive a trauma to their relationship. Recently, fifteen couples took that analogy literally, as they got married while riding a roller coaster at the Mall of America in Minneapolis. With family and friends looking on, they exchanged their wedding vows and rings and then took several rides on the roller coaster. No one asked the participants what compelled them to have such their wedding in such a strange way but one couple did admit that this was their dream come true. I guess that they wanted to experience the ups and downs of marriage even before they went on their honeymoon.

Marriage as a merry-go round is explored in Andrew Cherlin's new book called, The Marriage-Go-Round (Alfred A. Knopf) which explores the differences in American marriage and family life from other Western countries. Cherlin found that Americans have more movement in and out of relationships than anywhere else. As a result, Americans have more spouses and live-in partners over the course of their lives than people in any other country in the western world.

The common thread between these two types of marriages brings to mind one big question: Why do we have trouble loving one person? Cherlin says that the reason lies in the underlying conflict in two contradictory ideals -- marriage and individualism. Marriage is still considered to be an important institution in our country and we are more marriage-oriented than most other Western countries. The second is the importance of living a personally fulfilling life that allows us to grow and develop as individuals. This conflict touches many aspects of relationships: communication, sex, trust, and division of labor. Difficulty balancing the needs of the relationship and family with the individual needs of both partners has destroyed many relationships. Negotiating this balance has to be done with care and respect for each others viewpoint. Is your marriage good at achieving a we vs me balance?

No new post next week as I will be traveling with my family in Italy. See you in May.

Mixed Blessings, Part II

2009-04-11T17:21:00.000-07:00

I could blog forever about the joys and benefits of having children (especially my own). In fact, I could write a book about it. But when talking about children in regards to relationships, the news isn't always so rosy. In February, I wrote a post called Mixed Blessings which discussed how children can negatively impact marital satisfaction. Two new studies conducted by John Gottman, the noted marital researcher, report that the emotional well-being of everyone in the family is determined by the quality of the parents' relationship. It also doesn't matter whether the parents are loud and angry when they fight or if there is an icy silence in the house, kids pick up on the emotional as well as the verbal and know what is going on in the family.

Even the very youngest of children takes notice of the state of their parents' marriage. One study conducted by Gottman observed 50 couples with three month-old infants. He found that the babies of unhappy marriages showed a noticeably lower capacity for joy, a smaller attention span, and an inability for self-soothing than babies whose parents had thriving relationship. Parents who are angry and distant from their partner often communicate those emotions in their interactions with their children. Gottman video-taped the parents playing with their babies and found that even though the couples were not fighting, they tended not to smile and/or include each other in the interaction. The effect on their baby? An accelerated heart rate. In other words, stress.

In another study, Gottman took hourly urine samples of three and four year-olds who were being raised in families where the parents demonstrated "great marital hostility." He found markedly higher levels of stress hormones in these children than in children whose parents' marriages were more stable. Stress in young children is associated with higher incidences of depression, anxiety, and behavior problems -- especially aggression -- as they reach adolescence. Conversely, children in families where the marriage is stable demonstrate more advanced social skills, do better in school, and act out less. In addition, they are less likely to suffer from depression and anxiety.

Parents often try to convince me as well as themselves that they are good at hiding the nasty realty of their fights from their children. In my practice as well as in this research, there is concrete evidence that proves that they aren't doing such a good job. It is not that it is always bad for children to hear their parents disagree, but when the fighting gets hostile and hurtful, children react strongly. Keeping disagreements from getting out of control not only protects the marriage, but the child's sense of security. Dealing with the challenges of raising kids puts a significant amount of strain on any relationship but keeping the kids safe from the destructive effects of conflict should be a couple's number one priority.

Please Forgive Me

2009-04-03T14:07:00.000-07:00

Back in September, my blog post entitled Love Means (Never) Having to Say You're Sorry discussed the three necessary ingredients for couples to repair the breach of trust after experiencing the trauma of infidelity in their relationships: admitting guilt, expressing remorse, and offering a genuine apology. Judging by the conversations I have been having with couples lately, it is way past time to also discuss the final, most important part of moving on from cheating -- forgiveness. After the apology and the remorse is offered by the offending spouse, the hurt party is faced with the decision to offer their forgiveness and allow the trust in the relationship to be repaired. Forgiveness can only occur for couples after many painful and difficult conversations about the extent, intent as well as the specific details of the infidelity, conversations that often last more than one year.

The best resource on the subject of forgiveness in relationships is a book called How Can I Forgive You? by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring. Whenever I see a couple coping with infidelity, I require them to read this book. It offers a clear path for the offender and the offended to repair the damage inflicted in a relationship by a partner who cheats on their spouse. The book discusses the difference between an expression of regret and an apology, which is an important distinction. An expression of regret is intrapersonal (how the offender feels about what they did) while an apology is interpersonal (how the offender feels about how their actions affected the offended). While an expression of regret is a vital first step, an apology is the only way a couple can bounce back from infidelity. Spring defines an apology as being heartfelt, accepting of responsibility for causing a breach of trust, and sympathetic for the pain they caused their partner.

Genuine forgiveness requires the heartfelt participation and cooperation of both partners. Dr. Spring says there are three elements that make up the essential elements of genuine forgiveness:

Genuine forgiveness is a transaction. It is not a pardon that is granted unilaterally, but rather it is a shared experience between the couple bound together by the transgression.
Genuine forgiveness is conditional. It must be earned and comes with a price that the offender must be willing to pay. In exchange the hurt party must be willing to let their partner settle their debt so the relationship can move on.
General forgiveness requires a transfer of vigilence. It is normal for the hurt party to be become hyper-vigilant following the exposure of infidelity, obsessed with the painful details of the transgression. Conversely, the offender attempts to repress, deny or minimize the wrongful behavior. Forgiveness frees the hurt party from needing be preoccupied with all of the sordid details of the affair . The offender demonstrates their intention never to repeat their destructive actions and the hurt party begins to let go of the anger and hurt.

Forgiveness, of course, is important in all conflicts between couples -- not just infidelity. Dr. Spring's advice can be helpful whenever you may fight with your spouse, but for something as deep and painful as infidelity her advice is vital.

On Your Own Time

2009-03-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

It was January this year that I started a new feature of the Flip Side Blog, highlighting a common but vexing problem that challenges couples in their relationship. January's post was called Labor of Love, a discussion of how couples struggle with the division of labor in their relationship which is one of the top five issues that couples fight about. Of course, the struggle to decide who cooks, cleans, shops, gets the kids ready for school in the morning or helps them with their homework in the evening is not only about attempting to achieve an equitable division of labor in the relationship. Couples are so passionate about this issue because negotiating how the tasks are divided in a relationship speaks to the balance of power, control, fairness and respect in the relationship.

March's problem of the month is the opposite side of that coin -- who gets more free time. Finding time to see friends, hang out with co-workers, or just generally blow off steam is important. It relieves stress and is fun. But it can cause problems in your relationship if it doesn't feel equal. Not surprisingly, the one who feels saddled with the lion's share of the domestic responsibility usually feels that their partner takes more opportunity to take care of themselves. This fight can focus on playing in a softball league with the required trip to the bar after the game every Sunday or a regularly scheduled night out with the girls or guys. And it doesn't always focus on activities outside of the house. Couples disagree on how much time is reasonable to spend on the phone chatting with family and friends or watching TV or playing games on the computer. What is an acceptable amount of time to prioritize for your self above the needs of work and family? Although each couple has to struggle to find their own answer to that question, there are some guidelines to follow that can help structure the conversation.

Successfully addressing the needs of the family, the couple, and the individual in the limited amount of free time that is available to most of us during the week is not easy. But your partner is more likely to support your desire to play golf or go out with your friends when they feel that their needs and those of the rest of the family are also supported. It is not about how much time is reasonable to take for yourself, but rather how to balance the individual needs of everyone in the family. And just like dividing up the chores can be complicated by issues of power, control and respect in a relationship, demanding time for yourself can bring up feelings of inequality and jealousy for your partner as well. So before you go out with your friends, have a conversation with your partner and make sure your time is spent wisely.

Redefining Wealth

2009-03-20T14:44:00.000-07:00

For the last few weeks we have explored the trauma of infidelity and its threat to the institution of marriage. This week we turn our attention back to another ongoing threat to our marital bliss -- money. That's right. They say it's the root of all evil. It's also the root of the majority of divorces. In fact, national research indicates that money is not the deal maker when it comes to getting married, but it is often the deal breaker when the marriage ends. So if couples were arguing about money before the economy started tanking, we can assume it is really a point of conflict now.

This financial crisis has impacted all of us to varying degrees. Families have been experiencing all levels of financial hardships and are making some serious lifestyle adjustments. Even those couples who are still blessed with significant assets have been been changing their philosophy about spending. Frugality is the new chic. The silver lining in this financial mess is that couples and families are rejecting materialism and questioning their values and financial priorities as well as rethinking their definition of wealth. In doing so, they are realizing what makes their lives especially rich are not the things they surround themselves, but rather the people and their relationships.

I've been speaking with many couples lately who are finding that financial problems are turning into marital problems. While I am in no position to help you replenish your 401(k) or give stock market advice, I can provide a few simple suggestions for coping with economic challenges and marital conflict.

Redefine Wealth. Wealth and satisfaction should include all of life's riches: good health, friendships, helping others, and, most importantly, spouse and family. In times of uncertainty, focusing on the riches you have instead of what you don't have -- or have lost -- will help maintain a positive perspective.

Consider New Roles. Flexibility is an important tool to successfully cope with adversity. You cannot rely on the rules and expectations that have defined the way you have lived up until now. For instance, husbands who lose their jobs may have to pass the responsibility of primary breadwinner to their wives, creating changes in the marriage and the family that affect every aspect of family life. Be open and honest when you discuss these changes. This is not the time to protect your partner from your true feelings. Also, reevaluate the changes that you make in your relationship on a regular basis to see if modifications are needed.

Mind the Gap. In most marriages, conflict and disagreement are part of the challenge of dealing with change. The current economic crisis has caused many of us sleepless nights and stressful days and the stress and anxiety are making it more difficult to cope. Focus on understanding your partner's concerns and fears. Keep your conversations supportive and compassionate as you negotiate the changes.

Here's to Old Friends (Part II)

2009-03-13T15:05:00.000-07:00

Last week's blog post about reconnecting with lovers from an earlier time in your life with the aid of the computer (Here's to Old Friends) seemed to hit a nerve with many readers. In the last few months, I have also been seeing many couples in my office who are struggling with the traumatic effects of this particular marital challenge. Technology provides us with amazing tools to manage our business and personal life, but unfortunately its convenience and global reach provides us with many opportunities that can threaten our relationships. As an anonymous commenter noted in the "comments" section last week, we can't blame our hi-tech world for our marital infidelities. True enough -- each spouse is responsible for protecting their wedding vows. But we need to continue to be aware of all of the dangers that are inherent in our exploration of cyberspace especially those dangers that threaten our marriages and families. The problem of Internet infidelity is occurring around the world at an alarming rate. Marital therapists in Malaysia, India, and England have published articles detailing the rise of cyber-affairs and their effect on increased divorce rates.

It has become so prevalent, in fact, that there are now websites that promote cheating and encourage on-line affairs with strangers as well as old friends. These are social networking communities for people who are in committed relationships that want to date. Think Match.com for married couples! They promote a cure for the people who are dissatisfied in their relationships; one of them, Ashley Madison.com, has a tag line: "when monogamy becomes monotony".

As we have discussed before on this blog, Internet infidelities don't just happen to people in bad marriages. As a matter of fact, 60% report they were happy in their marriage when they began their affair. So if people get into illicit relationships who are in troubled marriages as well as healthy marriages, how do you prevent this from occurring in your marriage?

Unfortunately, in the case of infidelity, one size does not fit all. Each situation requires a different strategy. For the spouse that feels bored in their relationship, they need to let their spouse know how they feel and not just with subtle hints. As I always say, communication communication communication. In the case of the spouse who has no desire to cheat but gradually develops a strong connection to a former lover who contacts them or whatever other compromising scenario that may arise, the challenge is different. In those situations it is up to the spouse to stop those relationships from progressing. Let your partner know that you were contacted. Honesty reaffirms the trust in your marriage and communicates that your relationship is solid.

Here's to Old Friends

2009-03-06T17:34:00.000-08:00

It seems harmless enough. Out of the blue you receive an email from an old flame, someone you haven't thought about in many years, just wanting to "catch up." They were able to locate you just by searching sites like Classmates.com or Facebook. As the emails go back and forth, something else is happening -- you're beginning to feel like a teenager again, reigniting passion and energy that you haven't felt in years. It's invigorating and exciting and it's also a sure-fire way to end your marriage.

Neuroscientists have discovered that raging teenage hormones are stored as sensory and emotional memories, which is why connecting with relationships from the past is so alluring and becoming so common. The emotions associated with young love may be imprinted on the brain and released when you chat with your first love online or speak on the phone. This is bad news for marriages because as much as the offending spouse will rationalize it's innocence, I'm going to state this as clearly and plainly as I can: secretly reconnecting with a former lover is cheating on your spouse. Allowing those emotions to develop threatens the foundation of your current relationship--the love, trust, and emotional bond that you've built with your partner. It's no different than a physical affair in that you're going outside of your marriage and developing an intimate relationship with someone other than your spouse. And the secrets that are being kept are never protective of the marriage.

Nancy Kalish, a professor of psychology at California State University in Sacramento researched thousand of lost love reunions and has studied the disastrous aftermath of these relationships. She found that happy marriages were more at risk than troubled relationships -- of the 62% of re-kindlers who were married before they reconnected, more than half reported that their marriage was good or excellent. They also reported that once they restarted the old relationship, they had trouble stopping.

The moral of this story is don't assume strolling down memory lane is without danger. Reconnecting with old friends can be a positive bridge from your past to your present. However, reconnecting with a past lover can create a major rift in your marriage and create a crisis of trust that is difficult to recover from. If reconnecting with your old friend remains a secret from your spouse, your marriage is in trouble. So if you get an email from someone who used to make your heart flutter, think twice before you hit the "reply" button

The Perfect Union?

2009-02-27T13:54:00.000-08:00

It's as if Michelle Obama has a direct line into my office and can eavesdrop on my sessions. She recently admitted in an interview with People Magazine that although she has a strong relationship with Barack, it is not perfect. She was reacting to the national fascination with her marriage and the illusion that her relationship with Barack is "magical." She acknowledged that marriage is hard and both spouses need to work at it. Her honest and direct assessment of marriage and her willingness to discuss her marriage publicly is refreshing. I have been having this discussion with several couples in the past few weeks. It's a bit idealistic for couples in this day and age to expect a level of perfection from anything, let alone their marriage. So for all those starry-eyed lovers out there who are frustrated at their difficult and challenging relationship, let me say this: there is no such thing as a perfect union.

First, let's try and define a "perfect" relationship. I find that many people hold the first few months of a relationship up on a pedestal. When I ask couples what about those first months they cherish so much, they invariably tell me about the laughing, flirting, excitement, and spontaneous sex. But let's face it -- nothing that good lasts forever. And would you really want it to? While that early part of a relationship is important--vital really--it's only the beginning. Like some of the other finer things in life, a relationship should get better with age.

I often find that some young couples actually get married thinking that marriage is supposed to make them happy all of the time. This thinking creates the most troubles for young couples when they attempt to navigate the many profound changes that occur at specific stages of relationships: living together, marriage, children, aging. Then there are the couples who get defensive when their spouse confronts them about not understanding their needs and lash back at them with their complaints. This conversation usually devolves into an argument that leaves both spouses frustrated and dissatisfied. Hardly perfection, I know.

So let's get back to that idea of a perfect union. While perfection can be a far-fetched ideal, it should never be the goal because, like I said, there's no such thing as a perfect union. As your marriage matures and your life with your partner brings changes both good and bad, you and your spouse need to join together to meet each other's needs. It may not be a perfect union, but when it works it can be meaningful, rewarding, and fulfilling.

Feel free to use the comments section to discuss your ideas of perfection and marriage.