It's A Family Affair

Of the top five issues that couples fight about the most frequently, I would rank fighting about in-laws at number four (with money, sex, parenting and division of labor rounding out the list). From my conversations with couples over the past few weeks, it seems that fighting about in-laws may be inching up to number three. I discussed the challenge that couples face dealing with their in-laws in an earlier post titled The Ol' Battle-Axe. That post discussed two studies: one that concluded that in-law relationships have a major impact on marital satisfaction and another that reported that problems with in-laws take more of a toll on women than men.

While the conclusions of these two studies confirm what therapists have known for a long-time, they don't offer any concrete advice for couples searching for ways to deal with their in-law issues more effectively. Here are two in-law scenarios that I have dealt with in my office recently. As you can see, it doesn't matter what the specific issue is as long as couples can cope with it while staying connected with each other.

Can you come over? I need some help.

A patient I see -- I'll call her Karen -- recently recounted a very common predicament. Karen's father-in-law passed away a year ago. Her mother-in-law, has now been asking Karen's husband to travel over an hour to help with her housework. Karen's husband obviously feels bound to help his widowed mother, but his long hours at work limits his family time. The result is that he has significantly less time to spend with his two young children. Karen sympathizes with her mother-in-law, but thinks that her husband is giving up too much.

This couple has the challenge of agreeing on an appropriate balance that maintains the priority of family time and allows him to also help his mother, thus meeting both of their needs. This can be something like setting a specific schedule so Karen's husband is not at the beck and call of his mother. Or, they can go visit his mother together, taking their kids with them. Whatever the solution, they have to formulate it together and set limits that his mother will have to accept.

We let you eat candy, and you survived.

Another woman, Barbara, that I spoke with last week refused to let her 6-year old son be alone with her in-laws because they refused to enforce the rules that the she and her husband have set. Barbara's husband felt that his wife was overreacting and was angry that she was keeping the kids from having a relationship with their grandparents.

While the grandparents should follow the rules that the parents set for the kids, spending time with grandma and grandpa also should be fun for the kids. In other words, it's okay to relax some of the rules some of the time. However, the parents need to agree on what rules are absolutely essential for the grandparents to follow (car seats, dietary restrictions, etc) and express the balance to each of their parents. Putting these rules in the context of being best for the children may help the grandparents to understand. If they don't comply, then my patient is right -- they should not be allowed to watch the kids alone. But that conclusion should only be reached after communicating with her spouse and her in-laws.

Complications with in-laws is a natural consequence of blending families and shouldn't have to be a major source of strife within a marriage. As long as there is a free-flowing exchange of concerns, thoughts, and compromises between you and your spouse, your relationship with your in-laws can be rich and satisfying.