Sex, Porn, and Dishes

Last year, we discussed the fact that men are now sharing more of the burden of the domestic chores and responsibilities than ever before (The Domestic Divide). Though they only do about 30% of typical household tasks such as childcare and cleaning, it's a drastic increase from previous studies. For the female readership, I have some new information that might spur your husband to don an apron and cleaning gloves: women find it sexy when men do housework. That's right, men who empty the dishwasher have a better sex life and, thus, a more satisfying marriage.

It's a wonderful thing. The husband shares the thankless household chores and the responsibilities of childcare and the wife gets turned on. It makes sense, right? When a man does housework, it not only communicates to his wife caring and concern but also contributes to a feeling of being in it together. It should be a win/win, but there is one major problem. Dr. Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reports that a woman's marital satisfaction will increase as her partner takes a more active role in the housework, but as a result, his marital satisfaction decreases. No wonder this is such a hard sell for most men. It's a shame, isn't it? Men are missing the opportunity for a healthy, satisfying sexual relationship because they don't want to chip in and clean up.

Now, let's go from dishes to pornography. It turns out that women like porn almost as much as men. In the first three months of 2007, according to Nielsen/NetRatings, approximately one in three visitors to adult entertainment Web sites were female; during the same period nearly 13 million women were checking out porn online at least once each month. So for all the men (and women) who hide their enjoyment of pornography (which can be a healthy and normal behavior in relationships), here might be a good way for you to introduce it to your marriage. In my practice, I find that couples who share this experience have a greater intimacy and a stronger comfort level in talking about sex. I'll be the first to admit that dishes and porn are not a usual pairing. Experienced separately, each can be a source of resentment and conflict for couples that causes rifts in marriages. When shared, though, it's proven that they bring couples together in a very special way.

So hear here are three questions to discuss with your partner to heat up those sweltering dog days of summer. Can you more effectively integrate sex, porn, and dishes into your marriage? Can your male partner begin to see that sharing the domestic responsibilities improves the marriage, both emotionally and physically? Can you discuss your affection for pornography with your partner so that you can share the pleasure instead of keeping it a secret? I'd be curious to know how that conversation goes.