It's All About the Hormones!

One of the interesting changes that I have observed over the eight years that I have been attending the SmartMarriages Conference is the increase in research about how hormones affect our behavior in relationships. When it comes to discussions about hormones and behavior, the conversation has historically focused on women, PMS, and hot flashes. But according to the research presented at the conference earlier this month, hormones influence the way we behave with each other as well as our environment in very substantive ways and effect men as much as women.

Understanding hormonal influences can help to answer the age-old mystery of why men can sleep with random women with no emotional attachments while women need to form a relationship before they feel comfortable connecting sexually (most of the time). One hand, it comes down to instincts and genetics: men are wired to go forth and multiply and women focus on finding a mate to protect the children she may bear. Lisa Diamond, Ph.D. an associate professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, found that women show greater release of oxytocin -- the hormone responsible for bonding -- during sex, (especially at the time of orgasm) than men. She also notes that the two brain hemispheres are not as well connected in men than in women. This gives men the ability to focus on one thing at a time and be goal oriented, whereas the female brain is built to assimilate many feelings at once and to connect sex and love much more rapidly. So while it's easy to stereotype men as having one-track minds, Dr. Diamond's research shows that there's real science behind that.

Hormones also dictate the way men and women enjoy sports. Although football has a lot of female fans, men are drawn to football (and boxing and wrestling) in ways that women aren't. Men tend to be more aggressive than women because of how testosterone registers in parts of the brain such as the hypothalamus -- which, in animals, is associated with aggression. Watching a combative sport or, better yet, watching their own team win has been proven to increase the levels of testosterone in the brain, thus triggering instinctive masculine feelings like domination, risk-taking, and competition.

Why is it important to understand the role that hormones play in relationships? Because the basis of conflict between men and women is often associated with the different ways men and women perceive the world. If we can understand how hormones influence these perceptions maybe we can figure out how to incorporate the differences between men and women into our relationships instead of just letting the hormones get in the way.