Taking Your Marriage for a Ride

Do the highs and lows of your marriage sometimes make you feel like you are on a roller coaster ride? Or would you describe it more like a merry-go-round, going round and round with your spouse and not getting anywhere? There have been two experiments recently that illustrate these two different ways of thinking about marriages.

For years, I have been using the "emotional roller coaster" reference to describe marriage under crisis -- couples who have to cope with the intense emotional swings in their relationship in order to survive a trauma to their relationship. Recently, fifteen couples took that analogy literally, as they got married while riding a roller coaster at the Mall of America in Minneapolis. With family and friends looking on, they exchanged their wedding vows and rings and then took several rides on the roller coaster. No one asked the participants what compelled them to have such their wedding in such a strange way but one couple did admit that this was their dream come true. I guess that they wanted to experience the ups and downs of marriage even before they went on their honeymoon.

Marriage as a merry-go round is explored in Andrew Cherlin's new book called, The Marriage-Go-Round (Alfred A. Knopf) which explores the differences in American marriage and family life from other Western countries. Cherlin found that Americans have more movement in and out of relationships than anywhere else. As a result, Americans have more spouses and live-in partners over the course of their lives than people in any other country in the western world.

The common thread between these two types of marriages brings to mind one big question: Why do we have trouble loving one person? Cherlin says that the reason lies in the underlying conflict in two contradictory ideals -- marriage and individualism. Marriage is still considered to be an important institution in our country and we are more marriage-oriented than most other Western countries. The second is the importance of living a personally fulfilling life that allows us to grow and develop as individuals. This conflict touches many aspects of relationships: communication, sex, trust, and division of labor. Difficulty balancing the needs of the relationship and family with the individual needs of both partners has destroyed many relationships. Negotiating this balance has to be done with care and respect for each others viewpoint. Is your marriage good at achieving a we vs me balance?

No new post next week as I will be traveling with my family in Italy. See you in May.