Mixed Blessings, Part II

I could blog forever about the joys and benefits of having children (especially my own). In fact, I could write a book about it. But when talking about children in regards to relationships, the news isn't always so rosy. In February, I wrote a post called Mixed Blessings which discussed how children can negatively impact marital satisfaction. Two new studies conducted by John Gottman, the noted marital researcher, report that the emotional well-being of everyone in the family is determined by the quality of the parents' relationship. It also doesn't matter whether the parents are loud and angry when they fight or if there is an icy silence in the house, kids pick up on the emotional as well as the verbal and know what is going on in the family.

Even the very youngest of children takes notice of the state of their parents' marriage. One study conducted by Gottman observed 50 couples with three month-old infants. He found that the babies of unhappy marriages showed a noticeably lower capacity for joy, a smaller attention span, and an inability for self-soothing than babies whose parents had thriving relationship. Parents who are angry and distant from their partner often communicate those emotions in their interactions with their children. Gottman video-taped the parents playing with their babies and found that even though the couples were not fighting, they tended not to smile and/or include each other in the interaction. The effect on their baby? An accelerated heart rate. In other words, stress.

In another study, Gottman took hourly urine samples of three and four year-olds who were being raised in families where the parents demonstrated "great marital hostility." He found markedly higher levels of stress hormones in these children than in children whose parents' marriages were more stable. Stress in young children is associated with higher incidences of depression, anxiety, and behavior problems -- especially aggression -- as they reach adolescence. Conversely, children in families where the marriage is stable demonstrate more advanced social skills, do better in school, and act out less. In addition, they are less likely to suffer from depression and anxiety.

Parents often try to convince me as well as themselves that they are good at hiding the nasty realty of their fights from their children. In my practice as well as in this research, there is concrete evidence that proves that they aren't doing such a good job. It is not that it is always bad for children to hear their parents disagree, but when the fighting gets hostile and hurtful, children react strongly. Keeping disagreements from getting out of control not only protects the marriage, but the child's sense of security. Dealing with the challenges of raising kids puts a significant amount of strain on any relationship but keeping the kids safe from the destructive effects of conflict should be a couple's number one priority.