On Your Own Time

It was January this year that I started a new feature of the Flip Side Blog, highlighting a common but vexing problem that challenges couples in their relationship. January's post was called Labor of Love, a discussion of how couples struggle with the division of labor in their relationship which is one of the top five issues that couples fight about. Of course, the struggle to decide who cooks, cleans, shops, gets the kids ready for school in the morning or helps them with their homework in the evening is not only about attempting to achieve an equitable division of labor in the relationship. Couples are so passionate about this issue because negotiating how the tasks are divided in a relationship speaks to the balance of power, control, fairness and respect in the relationship.

March's problem of the month is the opposite side of that coin -- who gets more free time. Finding time to see friends, hang out with co-workers, or just generally blow off steam is important. It relieves stress and is fun. But it can cause problems in your relationship if it doesn't feel equal. Not surprisingly, the one who feels saddled with the lion's share of the domestic responsibility usually feels that their partner takes more opportunity to take care of themselves. This fight can focus on playing in a softball league with the required trip to the bar after the game every Sunday or a regularly scheduled night out with the girls or guys. And it doesn't always focus on activities outside of the house. Couples disagree on how much time is reasonable to spend on the phone chatting with family and friends or watching TV or playing games on the computer. What is an acceptable amount of time to prioritize for your self above the needs of work and family? Although each couple has to struggle to find their own answer to that question, there are some guidelines to follow that can help structure the conversation.

Successfully addressing the needs of the family, the couple, and the individual in the limited amount of free time that is available to most of us during the week is not easy. But your partner is more likely to support your desire to play golf or go out with your friends when they feel that their needs and those of the rest of the family are also supported. It is not about how much time is reasonable to take for yourself, but rather how to balance the individual needs of everyone in the family. And just like dividing up the chores can be complicated by issues of power, control and respect in a relationship, demanding time for yourself can bring up feelings of inequality and jealousy for your partner as well. So before you go out with your friends, have a conversation with your partner and make sure your time is spent wisely.