Mixed Blessings

They call them "little bundles of joy." But are children making us unhappy in our relationships? Fifty years ago, the conventional wisdom was that having children was the surest way to build a happy marriage. But that's not the case anymore in 2009. Over the past two decades, many researchers have concluded that three's a crowd when it comes to marital satisfaction. More than 25 separate studies have established that marital quality drops, often precipitously, after the children are born. And the "empty nest" syndrome may not be such a problem after all. Many couples report an increase of marital happiness when the children leave home.

What does this mean? Can we blame this country's high divorce rate on kids? It seems that couples who are ambivalent about having children and fight with each other about when or whether to conceive are more unhappy than couples who planned and welcomed the conception of their child. But even couples who began their parenting experience without conflict can experience problems late if they become too intense in their style of parenting and begin to pay less attention to each other.

Here is the problem: Statistics show that by 1997, children in two-parent families were spending more time with their mother than with their father as compared to 1981 (six hours a week with mom and four hours with dad to be precise). While spending more time with mom and dad is good for our children, it doesn't help the parents stay close in their relationship. The couples that I see who are struggling in their relationship place their children as a higher priority than their marriage. Those couples who protect their marriage not only have an easier transition as "empty nesters" when the kids leave home but they tend to be better parents as well.

The lesson in all this is that your relationship and your children are not mutually exclusive--neither should take precedence over the other. So how can you keep the focus on your marriage while also being attentive parents? Try going on a date. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and what better occasion than to make your partner feel special. I mentioned this last week, but I'm going to give another plug to a workshop I'm running for singles and couples. On February 24, "Reel Love" will look at what movies can teach us about couples. As a Valentine's gift to all of my loyal readers, I am offering a 50% discount on the workshop (Reel Love). This is the perfect, inexpensive date for you and your partner.

Happy Valentine's Day!