Dangerous Friends

Continuing the discussion about the devastating marital trauma that is infidelity, let's move on from Jon and Kate's misery and learn how to prevent our own. In my post last year called Beyond Infidelity, I briefly touched on an issue that I've been seeing more of lately in my practice -- emotional affairs. These are so-called Extramarital Friendships. You know, the relationships that can form between colleagues or with an old lover who has recently resurfaced (Here's to Old Friends and Here's to Old Friends, Part II). They're quite common and, on the surface at least, seemingly harmless. But while these emotional affairs steer clear of physical intimacy, they do involve secrecy, deception, and therefore betrayal.

When this problem arises in my practice, I'm often told that these kinds of friendships are not a threat to the marriage since there's no sex involved. My response to this is the breach of trust is more destructive to the relationship than the sex. Their response to that is often defensive and angry. Because these destructive relationships sometimes form even if the individual describes their marriage as healthy and satisfying, the notion that a "friendship" can adversely affect their marriage can come as a shock. But if we get down to it, most people are not on the lookout for an extramarital relationship. They may admit that their relationship isn't fun anymore, and they sometimes feel isolated and disconnected from their partner but they deny that they are actively looking to have an affair. Colleagues who are connected because they work together have a valid reason to talk to each other but when the conversation turns more personal than professional they have breached a marital boundary.

I've come up with a trick to spotting these issues early. Just ask yourself these few questions. If the answers are yes, then you should have an honest talk with your spouse about your marriage. If the answers are no, then invite your friend over for dinner and let your spouse get to know them too.

Signs that you are becoming more than ”just friends”

· Do you confide in your friend more than your spouse about your day?
· Do you share negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend instead of your spouse?
· Are you open with your spouse about the level of involvement with your friend?
· Would you feel comfortable with your spouse listening to your conversations with your friend?
· Would you feel comfortable with your spouse seeing a videotape of your meetings with your friend?
· Do you and your friend talk differently when you’re alone than when you are with others?
· Are you aware of sexual tension in your relationship with your friend?