50 Ways to Hurt Your Lover

Perhaps I'm wading into dangerous waters with this subject, but I'd like to look at the ways that we make our partners feel terrible. Nice, right? In a recent blog post, titled "Marriage Problems: 50 Ways to Cause Fear and Shame", Steven Stosny, Ph.D. covers the top fifty ways couples can be cruel to one another. In the interest of time and not overdoing it, I'm only going to talk about ten. Dr. Stosny is a well-respected expert on anger, resentment, and emotional abuse in relationships. I wanted to share this list with you because it identifies concrete actions that men and women exhibit that allows the ancient fear/shame dynamic to secretly undermine our intimate relationships. Dr. Stosny describes what happens when couples fight as a "usually subtle (but sometimes obvious) anxiety or fear in one partner that triggers shame-avoidant behavior (withdrawal or anger) in the other, and vice versa." In other words, the way you treat each other during a fight is much more important than the issue you are fighting about.

Now that we understand how we are hurting ourselves and our partners, here are five behaviors that men and women exhibit that can cause fear and shame in their partners. At the end of a weekend workshop on a similar issue, men were asked to list all of the ways they are likely to make their partner anxious and women were asked to list all the ways they are likely to inadvertently shame their partner. Here's what they said:

Top 5 Ways to Make a Woman Anxious or Afraid

1. Ignore her
2. Tell her what to do
3. Be short with your answers
4. Tune out her feelings
5. Stonewall or give her the cold shoulder
   

Top 5 Ways to Stimulate Shame in a Man

1. Exclude him from important decisions
2. Correct what he says
3. Question his judgment
4. Give unsolicited advice
5. Dismiss his opinion
   

Some of this probably looks painfully familiar. Why would we treat our partners--the loves of our lives!--with such despicable behavior? It seems cold and heartless to see it printed on a screen, but more often than not, these feelings are triggered inadvertently and in a subtle manner (though, obviously, there are exceptions). Without intending, we often exploit the weaknesses in our partners for our own selfish purpose and hurt them in the process. Some couples develop these bad habits early and continue to maintain this destructive pattern throughout their relationship; others develop these behaviors as a reaction to stressful and upsetting circumstances that occur outside the relationship.

Most of us would admit that there are times we do not treat our partner with the utmost respect and compassion that they deserve. In fact, it's dreadfully easy to morph into the worst versions of ourselves. It's easy to rationalize: it's not us, it's them; we're stressed, tired, overworked; etc. So how do we move past this? For one, we need to be more aware of our moods and emotions. When you're irritable and cranky, tell your partner and take some alone time. When your partner becomes the same way, urge them to take a break. Then, when you're both feeling better, talk about whether it was something your partner did, or if it was just a bad day. The more you communicate, the less harmful you'll be.

Have you seen this pattern in your own relationship? How do you cope?