Do the highs and lows of your marriage sometimes make you feel like you are on a roller coaster ride? Or would you describe it more like a merry-go-round, going round and round with your spouse and not getting anywhere? There have been two experiments recently that illustrate these two different ways of thinking about marriages.
For years, I have been using the "emotional roller coaster" reference to describe marriage under crisis -- couples who have to cope with the intense emotional swings in their relationship in order to survive a trauma to their relationship. Recently, fifteen couples took that analogy literally, as they got married while riding a roller coaster at the Mall of America in Minneapolis. With family and friends looking on, they exchanged their wedding vows and rings and then took several rides on the roller coaster. No one asked the participants what compelled them to have such their wedding in such a strange way but one couple did admit that this was their dream come true. I guess that they wanted to experience the ups and downs of marriage even before they went on their honeymoon.
Marriage as a merry-go round is explored in Andrew Cherlin's new book called, The Marriage-Go-Round (Alfred A. Knopf) which explores the differences in American marriage and family life from other Western countries. Cherlin found that Americans have more movement in and out of relationships than anywhere else. As a result, Americans have more spouses and live-in partners over the course of their lives than people in any other country in the western world.
The common thread between these two types of marriages brings to mind one big question: Why do we have trouble loving one person? Cherlin says that the reason lies in the underlying conflict in two contradictory ideals -- marriage and individualism. Marriage is still considered to be an important institution in our country and we are more marriage-oriented than most other Western countries. The second is the importance of living a personally fulfilling life that allows us to grow and develop as individuals. This conflict touches many aspects of relationships: communication, sex, trust, and division of labor. Difficulty balancing the needs of the relationship and family with the individual needs of both partners has destroyed many relationships. Negotiating this balance has to be done with care and respect for each others viewpoint. Is your marriage good at achieving a we vs me balance?
No new post next week as I will be traveling with my family in Italy. See you in May.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
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18 comments:
I agree. So periodically when times are low in a relationship, how do couples balance the "we" vs "me" syndrome?
I try to make sure that my spouse understands that when I need to be alone it doesn't mean I don't love, it simply means that I need to be alone.
Why?
why do I need to be alone? because I am human. everyone needs time alone sometimes. I like to read. do you want to sit near me and read? you are welcomed to, but I don't want to talk to you about my book. I want to be alone and read.
No. Not why do you need to be alone. Why do you make sure your spouse understands that you love even thought you need to be alone?
I agree. My relationship has suffered many ups and downs because of this issue. Our primary battle is finding a way to remain an individual while staying in a "committed" relationship. My partner believes that commitment means being together at every opportunity, while I find it threatening if I loose my independence. We are still trying to negotiate a balance that works for each of us, but it sometimes can be difficult
Interesting. Why does being together often mean that you are losing your independence? Has your partner asked you to give up your independence?
ah - yes, another person answered similarly. my spouse is threatened by my need to be alone.
Your question made me realize that this is a marriage issue, but his issue to deal with (maybe in therapy) - For example, He IS threatened that my musical tastes are different and that I will not give them up 'for him'. This was not an issue until after the first year of our marriage. I spend time placating and more time deciding that it is not worth it taking care of myself because 'the price' I pay for my soul's self-care (music, a walk alone, reading in peace) is too high.
I, for one, do not believe that a relationship, whether marriage or not, requires one to give up their independence for the sake of the "we". There is absolutely no logical reason why two people cannot be in a relationship/marriage, be together often and STILL have their independence (friends, hobbies, professional activities, music, etc...) You can be together and still be independent, as long as the two individuals while being independent remember the "we".
Wait a second. Independence is an emotional state. Being alone is a physical state. Why do they have to be mutually exclusive...one or the other?
Steve, I agree completely. unfortunately my husband did not. after years of therapy with him and individual we are divorced and I feel complete. I believe wholeheartedly in marriage. I believe that marriage is two individuals who chose to stay together. It will remain a challenge but can be a joyful practice, why not?
Charlotte,
I agree. Marriage is two individuals who bring together their individuality into a unified front. It can be a great institution . Thee is no need to lose anyone's independence. There is a need to recognize and feel independence within the commitment.
Steve, I am grinning broadly - happy to know that the man drinking tea at the next table might also feel the same way. Charlotte.
Wouldn't it make sense if 2 individuals were to spend time, a lot of time alone and together with an independent person examining expectations of their relationship and problem solving strategies (not with g-d as the third party as in days of old or now - who knows if that is still done?) before during and after the marriage? Wouldn't this minimize all the divorces and drama?
to the last post, not sure what you mean by your comment? Are you suggesting that a couple have a third party intervention to help them negotiate through the difficult times or to trust in the vows we make to each other...for better or worse, in sickness or health,etc...
This issue certainly touched a nerve. Balancing individual vs. couple needs is a challenge for all relationships. I agree with Steve that they are not mutually exclusive, but for different reasons. Good relationships blend two individuals together without losing their individuality. If you agree that both needs share an equal priority, agreeing on a compromise should not be that hard to arrange. If you are having trouble working this out, consulting a therapist is a good idea.
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