Please Forgive Me

Back in September, my blog post entitled Love Means (Never) Having to Say You're Sorry discussed the three necessary ingredients for couples to repair the breach of trust after experiencing the trauma of infidelity in their relationships: admitting guilt, expressing remorse, and offering a genuine apology. Judging by the conversations I have been having with couples lately, it is way past time to also discuss the final, most important part of moving on from cheating -- forgiveness. After the apology and the remorse is offered by the offending spouse, the hurt party is faced with the decision to offer their forgiveness and allow the trust in the relationship to be repaired. Forgiveness can only occur for couples after many painful and difficult conversations about the extent, intent as well as the specific details of the infidelity, conversations that often last more than one year.

The best resource on the subject of forgiveness in relationships is a book called How Can I Forgive You? by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring. Whenever I see a couple coping with infidelity, I require them to read this book. It offers a clear path for the offender and the offended to repair the damage inflicted in a relationship by a partner who cheats on their spouse. The book discusses the difference between an expression of regret and an apology, which is an important distinction. An expression of regret is intrapersonal (how the offender feels about what they did) while an apology is interpersonal (how the offender feels about how their actions affected the offended). While an expression of regret is a vital first step, an apology is the only way a couple can bounce back from infidelity. Spring defines an apology as being heartfelt, accepting of responsibility for causing a breach of trust, and sympathetic for the pain they caused their partner.

Genuine forgiveness requires the heartfelt participation and cooperation of both partners. Dr. Spring says there are three elements that make up the essential elements of genuine forgiveness:

• Genuine forgiveness is a transaction. It is not a pardon that is granted unilaterally, but rather it is a shared experience between the couple bound together by the transgression.
• Genuine forgiveness is conditional. It must be earned and comes with a price that the offender must be willing to pay. In exchange the hurt party must be willing to let their partner settle their debt so the relationship can move on.
• General forgiveness requires a transfer of vigilence. It is normal for the hurt party to be become hyper-vigilant following the exposure of infidelity, obsessed with the painful details of the transgression. Conversely, the offender attempts to repress, deny or minimize the wrongful behavior. Forgiveness frees the hurt party from needing be preoccupied with all of the sordid details of the affair . The offender demonstrates their intention never to repeat their destructive actions and the hurt party begins to let go of the anger and hurt.

Forgiveness, of course, is important in all conflicts between couples -- not just infidelity. Dr. Spring's advice can be helpful whenever you may fight with your spouse, but for something as deep and painful as infidelity her advice is vital.