It seems harmless enough. Out of the blue you receive an email from an old flame, someone you haven't thought about in many years, just wanting to "catch up." They were able to locate you just by searching sites like Classmates.com or Facebook. As the emails go back and forth, something else is happening -- you're beginning to feel like a teenager again, reigniting passion and energy that you haven't felt in years. It's invigorating and exciting and it's also a sure-fire way to end your marriage.
Neuroscientists have discovered that raging teenage hormones are stored as sensory and emotional memories, which is why connecting with relationships from the past is so alluring and becoming so common. The emotions associated with young love may be imprinted on the brain and released when you chat with your first love online or speak on the phone. This is bad news for marriages because as much as the offending spouse will rationalize it's innocence, I'm going to state this as clearly and plainly as I can: secretly reconnecting with a former lover is cheating on your spouse. Allowing those emotions to develop threatens the foundation of your current relationship--the love, trust, and emotional bond that you've built with your partner. It's no different than a physical affair in that you're going outside of your marriage and developing an intimate relationship with someone other than your spouse. And the secrets that are being kept are never protective of the marriage.
Nancy Kalish, a professor of psychology at California State University in Sacramento researched thousand of lost love reunions and has studied the disastrous aftermath of these relationships. She found that happy marriages were more at risk than troubled relationships -- of the 62% of re-kindlers who were married before they reconnected, more than half reported that their marriage was good or excellent. They also reported that once they restarted the old relationship, they had trouble stopping.
The moral of this story is don't assume strolling down memory lane is without danger. Reconnecting with old friends can be a positive bridge from your past to your present. However, reconnecting with a past lover can create a major rift in your marriage and create a crisis of trust that is difficult to recover from. If reconnecting with your old friend remains a secret from your spouse, your marriage is in trouble. So if you get an email from someone who used to make your heart flutter, think twice before you hit the "reply" button
Friday, March 6, 2009
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8 comments:
fascinating - especially in this 'facebook' age. what's the solution? just ignore? or share with your spouse - "hey look...my senior high prom date sent me...". I recently replied - 'my spouse and I are wonderful etc." and never replied again? That did, I imagine be very clear to all involved that yes I remember the past nostalgically but there is nothing now. I guess I will find out in the coming weeks. Well, maybe not since I unfriended that person!
No need to ignore the contact. Your responses were very protective of your marriage. Honesty and openness is the key. Sharing the contact with your spouse and not allowing feelings to be rekindled keeps your marriage as the #1 priority.
It is really sad to think and doubt that your partner is cheating on you.
It really hurts to find out that they're having an affair despite of what hardships you made in order for him to be happy.
This really sucks but, this is the reality.
is my partner cheating --it sounds to me like you have already answered that question. There is no doubt that infidelity is the cruelest of marital transgressions, causing the betrayed pain and suffering.
Don't give up on your marriage. Despite the pain that infidelity causes, marriages can still survive this major breach of trust. Relationships can be repaired only after the offending spouse completely discloses the details of the affair, expresses genuine remorse and is offered forgiveness by thier spouse
Finding an old flame on facebook or classmates.com may be easy - we have become a very voeuristic society. Always wanting to be looking at what others are up to in ther life. But finding a new love interest is no any easier or harder than it ever was - if there is something missing from your relationship that needs to be found, it is readily available with or without a computer.
I do not think we can blame the hi tech world we live in for our infidelities, or our spouses.
You make several important points. Rates of infidelity have been rising since 1990 and the computer now provides a very available and effective tool to hook up with strangers as well as old friends. However, it is not about blaming the hi-tech world for our transgressions but rather about being aware of another danger inherent in our exploration of cyberspace.
Whatever the environment (computer, work, bar), the responsibility for protecting your marriage rests with each spouse, not the other person.
I know someone who reconnected with her high school love because of the internet. They were forbidden - one was Catholic one was Jewish. Thirty-five years later? a friendly divorce and a happy marriage to a high school sweetheart! Lots of angst and gossip all around, but the two of them are happy!
It is not that every situation has a tragic ending. However, the process usually leaves scars for the couple as well as the kids. A successful transition for a family facing the circumstances that you described is the exception not the rule.
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