The Perfect Union?

It's as if Michelle Obama has a direct line into my office and can eavesdrop on my sessions. She recently admitted in an interview with People Magazine that although she has a strong relationship with Barack, it is not perfect. She was reacting to the national fascination with her marriage and the illusion that her relationship with Barack is "magical." She acknowledged that marriage is hard and both spouses need to work at it. Her honest and direct assessment of marriage and her willingness to discuss her marriage publicly is refreshing. I have been having this discussion with several couples in the past few weeks. It's a bit idealistic for couples in this day and age to expect a level of perfection from anything, let alone their marriage. So for all those starry-eyed lovers out there who are frustrated at their difficult and challenging relationship, let me say this: there is no such thing as a perfect union.

First, let's try and define a "perfect" relationship. I find that many people hold the first few months of a relationship up on a pedestal. When I ask couples what about those first months they cherish so much, they invariably tell me about the laughing, flirting, excitement, and spontaneous sex. But let's face it -- nothing that good lasts forever. And would you really want it to? While that early part of a relationship is important--vital really--it's only the beginning. Like some of the other finer things in life, a relationship should get better with age.

I often find that some young couples actually get married thinking that marriage is supposed to make them happy all of the time. This thinking creates the most troubles for young couples when they attempt to navigate the many profound changes that occur at specific stages of relationships: living together, marriage, children, aging. Then there are the couples who get defensive when their spouse confronts them about not understanding their needs and lash back at them with their complaints. This conversation usually devolves into an argument that leaves both spouses frustrated and dissatisfied. Hardly perfection, I know.

So let's get back to that idea of a perfect union. While perfection can be a far-fetched ideal, it should never be the goal because, like I said, there's no such thing as a perfect union. As your marriage matures and your life with your partner brings changes both good and bad, you and your spouse need to join together to meet each other's needs. It may not be a perfect union, but when it works it can be meaningful, rewarding, and fulfilling.

Feel free to use the comments section to discuss your ideas of perfection and marriage.