Of the top five issues that couples fight about the most frequently, I would rank fighting about in-laws at number four (with money, sex, parenting and division of labor rounding out the list). From my conversations with couples over the past few weeks, it seems that fighting about in-laws may be inching up to number three. I discussed the challenge that couples face dealing with their in-laws in an earlier post titled The Ol' Battle-Axe. That post discussed two studies: one that concluded that in-law relationships have a major impact on marital satisfaction and another that reported that problems with in-laws take more of a toll on women than men.
While the conclusions of these two studies confirm what therapists have known for a long-time, they don't offer any concrete advice for couples searching for ways to deal with their in-law issues more effectively. Here are two in-law scenarios that I have dealt with in my office recently. As you can see, it doesn't matter what the specific issue is as long as couples can cope with it while staying connected with each other.
Can you came over? I need some help.
A patient I see -- I'll call her Karen -- recently recounted a very common predicament. Karen's father-in-law passed away a year ago. Her mother-in-law, has now been asking Karen's husband to travel over an hour to help with her housework. Karen's husband obviously feels bound to help his widowed mother, but his long hours at work limits his family time. The result is that he has significantly less time to spend with his two young children. Karen sympathizes with her mother-in-law, but thinks that her husband is giving up too much.
This couple has the challenge of agreeing on an appropriate balance that maintains the priority of family time and allows him to also help his mother, thus meeting both of their needs. This can be something like setting a specific schedule so Karen's husband is not at the beck and call of his mother. Or, they can go visit his mother together, taking their kids with them. Whatever the solution, they have to formulate it together and set limits that his mother will have to accept.
We let you eat candy, and you survived.
Another woman, Barbara, that I spoke with last week refused to let her 6-year old son be alone with her in-laws because they refused to enforce the rules that the she and her husband have set. Barbara's husband felt that his wife was overreacting and was angry that she was keeping the kids from having a relationship with their grandparents.
While the grandparents should follow the rules that the parents set for the kids, spending time with grandma and grandpa also should be fun for the kids. In other words, it's okay to relax some of the rules some of the time. However, the parents need to agree on what rules are absolutely essential for the grandparents to follow (car seats, dietary restrictions, etc) and express the balance to each of their parents. Putting these rules in the context of being best for the children may help the grandparents to understand. If they don't comply, then my patient is right -- they should not be allowed to watch the kids alone. But that conclusion should only be reached after communicating with her spouse and her in-laws.
Complications with in-laws is a natural consequence of blending families and shouldn't have to be a major source of strife within a marriage. As long as there is a free-flowing exchange of concerns, thoughts, and compromises between you and your spouse, your relationship with your in-laws can be rich and satisfying.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Gone Fishing
As I will be enjoying some rest and relaxation on beautiful LBI, the Flip Side Blog will be on hiatus for a few weeks. My next new post will be on 8/28. Hope you are enjoying your summer.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Sex, Porn, and Dishes
Last year, we discussed the fact that men are now sharing more of the burden of the domestic chores and responsibilities than ever before (The Domestic Divide). Though they only do about 30% of typical household tasks such as childcare and cleaning, it's a drastic increase from previous studies. For the female readership, I have some new information that might spur your husband to don an apron and cleaning gloves: women find it sexy when men do housework. That's right, men who empty the dishwasher have a better sex life and, thus, a more satisfying marriage.
It's a wonderful thing. The husband shares the thankless household chores and the responsibilities of childcare and the wife gets turned on. It makes sense, right? When a man does housework, it not only communicates to his wife caring and concern but also contributes to a feeling of being in it together. It should be a win/win, but there is one major problem. Dr. Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reports that a woman's marital satisfaction will increase as her partner takes a more active role in the housework, but as a result, his marital satisfaction decreases. No wonder this is such a hard sell for most men. It's a shame, isn't it? Men are missing the opportunity for a healthy, satisfying sexual relationship because they don't want to chip in and clean up.
Now, let's go from dishes to pornography. It turns out that women like porn almost as much as men. In the first three months of 2007, according to Nielsen/NetRatings, approximately one in three visitors to adult entertainment Web sites were female; during the same period nearly 13 million women were checking out porn online at least once each month. So for all the men (and women) who hide their enjoyment of pornography (which can be a healthy and normal behavior in relationships), here might be a good way for you to introduce it to your marriage. In my practice, I find that couples who share this experience have a greater intimacy and a stronger comfort level in talking about sex. I'll be the first to admit that dishes and porn are not a usual pairing. Experienced separately, each can be a source of resentment and conflict for couples that causes rifts in marriages. When shared, though, it's proven that they bring couples together in a very special way.
So hear here are three questions to discuss with your partner to heat up those sweltering dog days of summer. Can you more effectively integrate sex, porn, and dishes into your marriage? Can your male partner begin to see that sharing the domestic responsibilities improves the marriage, both emotionally and physically? Can you discuss your affection for pornography with your partner so that you can share the pleasure instead of keeping it a secret? I'd be curious to know how that conversation goes.
It's a wonderful thing. The husband shares the thankless household chores and the responsibilities of childcare and the wife gets turned on. It makes sense, right? When a man does housework, it not only communicates to his wife caring and concern but also contributes to a feeling of being in it together. It should be a win/win, but there is one major problem. Dr. Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reports that a woman's marital satisfaction will increase as her partner takes a more active role in the housework, but as a result, his marital satisfaction decreases. No wonder this is such a hard sell for most men. It's a shame, isn't it? Men are missing the opportunity for a healthy, satisfying sexual relationship because they don't want to chip in and clean up.
Now, let's go from dishes to pornography. It turns out that women like porn almost as much as men. In the first three months of 2007, according to Nielsen/NetRatings, approximately one in three visitors to adult entertainment Web sites were female; during the same period nearly 13 million women were checking out porn online at least once each month. So for all the men (and women) who hide their enjoyment of pornography (which can be a healthy and normal behavior in relationships), here might be a good way for you to introduce it to your marriage. In my practice, I find that couples who share this experience have a greater intimacy and a stronger comfort level in talking about sex. I'll be the first to admit that dishes and porn are not a usual pairing. Experienced separately, each can be a source of resentment and conflict for couples that causes rifts in marriages. When shared, though, it's proven that they bring couples together in a very special way.
So hear here are three questions to discuss with your partner to heat up those sweltering dog days of summer. Can you more effectively integrate sex, porn, and dishes into your marriage? Can your male partner begin to see that sharing the domestic responsibilities improves the marriage, both emotionally and physically? Can you discuss your affection for pornography with your partner so that you can share the pleasure instead of keeping it a secret? I'd be curious to know how that conversation goes.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Nag, Nag, Nag (Part Two)
You might be surprised at which entry on The Flip Side Blog has generated the liveliest discussion over the past 14 months. It wasn't infidelity, sex, children, or money management. When I wrote about nagging in relationships (Nag, Nag, Nag), the comments section lit up. The comments were mostly from women, remarking on the frustration that comes from having to nag and the fights that inevitably ensue from the nagging. For anyone who thinks that nagging is an effective communication tool, think again. Nagging is a real problem in many relationships.
,
Did you take the garbage out? Do you really need that piece of cake? Are you going to lie on that couch all day? These questions are sure to result in one of several reactions. Either the couple will fight, one or both people will feel resentful, or the request will be ignored altogether. Men hate it. Women hate it. So why do we do it?
We nag people whom we love deeply. Sometimes we don't quite express that love clearly enough, so the concern comes across as annoying and ineffective. The problem is that it doesn't always feel like loving concern. Often it is interpreted as mistrust, meddling or character assassination. In a book called Women's Work Is Never Done... and Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Other Women, B.J. Gallagher suggests that nagging women have quite a negative stereotype in the male world. "Nagging women are often seen as verbally castrating their husbands, emasculating them and turning them into resentful or resigned wusses. Women who nag their children are destroying what fragile self-esteem they might have, leaving their kids a legacy of years on a therapist's couch."
This is not to say that the onus is only on the women -- men contribute significantly to the problem as well. Men sometimes exercise control by ignoring their spouse's requests and deciding that they will comply on their own time table, if at all. This strategy, without negotiating, is destructive for any relationship. So what can a couple do to eliminate nagging in their relationship?
Harris Straytner, Ph.D a psychologist at Mt. Sinai Medical Center in New York, offers some interesting insights into solving this problem. He coined the term "carefrontation" as an alternative to nagging. The basic idea is to make suggestions in a positive way without attitude. As the saying goes "it is not what you say, it is how you say it." Calling your partner lazy because they won't clean the basement will just make them resent you. Instead, join together to plan how this unpleasant task, or any other unpleasant tast, can be accomplished. Cooperation and understanding are the behaviors that eliminate nagging.
,
Did you take the garbage out? Do you really need that piece of cake? Are you going to lie on that couch all day? These questions are sure to result in one of several reactions. Either the couple will fight, one or both people will feel resentful, or the request will be ignored altogether. Men hate it. Women hate it. So why do we do it?
We nag people whom we love deeply. Sometimes we don't quite express that love clearly enough, so the concern comes across as annoying and ineffective. The problem is that it doesn't always feel like loving concern. Often it is interpreted as mistrust, meddling or character assassination. In a book called Women's Work Is Never Done... and Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Other Women, B.J. Gallagher suggests that nagging women have quite a negative stereotype in the male world. "Nagging women are often seen as verbally castrating their husbands, emasculating them and turning them into resentful or resigned wusses. Women who nag their children are destroying what fragile self-esteem they might have, leaving their kids a legacy of years on a therapist's couch."
This is not to say that the onus is only on the women -- men contribute significantly to the problem as well. Men sometimes exercise control by ignoring their spouse's requests and deciding that they will comply on their own time table, if at all. This strategy, without negotiating, is destructive for any relationship. So what can a couple do to eliminate nagging in their relationship?
Harris Straytner, Ph.D a psychologist at Mt. Sinai Medical Center in New York, offers some interesting insights into solving this problem. He coined the term "carefrontation" as an alternative to nagging. The basic idea is to make suggestions in a positive way without attitude. As the saying goes "it is not what you say, it is how you say it." Calling your partner lazy because they won't clean the basement will just make them resent you. Instead, join together to plan how this unpleasant task, or any other unpleasant tast, can be accomplished. Cooperation and understanding are the behaviors that eliminate nagging.
Friday, July 24, 2009
It's All About the Hormones!
One of the interesting changes that I have observed over the eight years that I have been attending the SmartMarriages Conference is the increase in research about how hormones affect our behavior in relationships. When it comes to discussions about hormones and behavior, the conversation has historically focused on women, PMS, and hot flashes. But according to the research presented at the conference earlier this month, hormones influence the way we behave with each other as well as our environment in very substantive ways and effect men as much as women.
Understanding hormonal influences can help to answer the age-old mystery of why men can sleep with random women with no emotional attachments while women need to form a relationship before they feel comfortable connecting sexually (most of the time). One hand, it comes down to instincts and genetics: men are wired to go forth and multiply and women focus on finding a mate to protect the children she may bear. Lisa Diamond, Ph.D. an associate professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, found that women show greater release of oxytocin -- the hormone responsible for bonding -- during sex, (especially at the time of orgasm) than men. She also notes that the two brain hemispheres are not as well connected in men than in women. This gives men the ability to focus on one thing at a time and be goal oriented, whereas the female brain is built to assimilate many feelings at once and to connect sex and love much more rapidly. So while it's easy to stereotype men as having one-track minds, Dr. Diamond's research shows that there's real science behind that.
Hormones also dictate the way men and women enjoy sports. Although football has a lot of female fans, men are drawn to football (and boxing and wrestling) in ways that women aren't. Men tend to be more aggressive than women because of how testosterone registers in parts of the brain such as the hypothalamus -- which, in animals, is associated with aggression. Watching a combative sport or, better yet, watching their own team win has been proven to increase the levels of testosterone in the brain, thus triggering instinctive masculine feelings like domination, risk-taking, and competition.
Why is it important to understand the role that hormones play in relationships? Because the basis of conflict between men and women is often associated with the different ways men and women perceive the world. If we can understand how hormones influence these perceptions maybe we can figure out how to incorporate the differences between men and women into our relationships instead of just letting the hormones get in the way.
Understanding hormonal influences can help to answer the age-old mystery of why men can sleep with random women with no emotional attachments while women need to form a relationship before they feel comfortable connecting sexually (most of the time). One hand, it comes down to instincts and genetics: men are wired to go forth and multiply and women focus on finding a mate to protect the children she may bear. Lisa Diamond, Ph.D. an associate professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, found that women show greater release of oxytocin -- the hormone responsible for bonding -- during sex, (especially at the time of orgasm) than men. She also notes that the two brain hemispheres are not as well connected in men than in women. This gives men the ability to focus on one thing at a time and be goal oriented, whereas the female brain is built to assimilate many feelings at once and to connect sex and love much more rapidly. So while it's easy to stereotype men as having one-track minds, Dr. Diamond's research shows that there's real science behind that.
Hormones also dictate the way men and women enjoy sports. Although football has a lot of female fans, men are drawn to football (and boxing and wrestling) in ways that women aren't. Men tend to be more aggressive than women because of how testosterone registers in parts of the brain such as the hypothalamus -- which, in animals, is associated with aggression. Watching a combative sport or, better yet, watching their own team win has been proven to increase the levels of testosterone in the brain, thus triggering instinctive masculine feelings like domination, risk-taking, and competition.
Why is it important to understand the role that hormones play in relationships? Because the basis of conflict between men and women is often associated with the different ways men and women perceive the world. If we can understand how hormones influence these perceptions maybe we can figure out how to incorporate the differences between men and women into our relationships instead of just letting the hormones get in the way.
Friday, July 17, 2009
The Male Mystique
The conventional wisdom in our society is that women are a lot more complicated than men when it comes to their reactions to love and romance. The joke that circulates on the Internet shows a picture of 2 control panels -- the one marked female has many dials, meters and buttons and the one marked male simply has an on/off switch. Of course, understanding the gender differences in the way we think has never been that simple. The male response to relationships and sex was the subject of several of the workshops that I attended at the Smartmarriage Conference in Orlando last week. New research was presented that confirmed that men are just as complex as women in their thinking and behavior towards their relationships as well as their attitudes towards their own sexuality.
It is not easy growing up male. The focus on performance instead of pleasure is a message that men receive from early adolescence. The commercials for Viagra, Cialis and Levitra are the most egregious example of this not so subtle cultural indoctrination that is broadcast to all of the guys out there. Sure the couples in the commercials look happy but the message is clear that their happiness is a result of his ability to attain an erection. Sexual conquests and Olympic-caliber sexual performance are the unrealistic standards that men judge themselves when evaluating their sexual performance. Men who receive their sexual education from viewing pornography on the Internet develop a particularly unrealistic image of what a healthy and loving sexual relationship is between a man and women. In addition, men and women share the view that it is the man who is supposed to take the lead in initiating sexual encounters in relationships.
It turns out that men are not responding to this pressure to perform sexually all that well. Besides a growing incidence of erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, men report feelings of shame and anxiety when discussing their own sexuality. Dr. Barry McCarthy and Dr. Michael Metz discussed the issues that men confront in their book Men's Sexual Health: Fitness For Satisfying Sex. The challenge is for men to replace the goal of performance in their sexual relationships with the focus on achieving pleasure when being physically intimate with their partners. Developing a unique sexual style with their partner that focuses on achieving pleasure--not orgasms--is essential to for couples to maintain a healthy sexual relationship that can continue to grow as their relationship matures.
More from Smartmarriages next week.
It is not easy growing up male. The focus on performance instead of pleasure is a message that men receive from early adolescence. The commercials for Viagra, Cialis and Levitra are the most egregious example of this not so subtle cultural indoctrination that is broadcast to all of the guys out there. Sure the couples in the commercials look happy but the message is clear that their happiness is a result of his ability to attain an erection. Sexual conquests and Olympic-caliber sexual performance are the unrealistic standards that men judge themselves when evaluating their sexual performance. Men who receive their sexual education from viewing pornography on the Internet develop a particularly unrealistic image of what a healthy and loving sexual relationship is between a man and women. In addition, men and women share the view that it is the man who is supposed to take the lead in initiating sexual encounters in relationships.
It turns out that men are not responding to this pressure to perform sexually all that well. Besides a growing incidence of erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, men report feelings of shame and anxiety when discussing their own sexuality. Dr. Barry McCarthy and Dr. Michael Metz discussed the issues that men confront in their book Men's Sexual Health: Fitness For Satisfying Sex. The challenge is for men to replace the goal of performance in their sexual relationships with the focus on achieving pleasure when being physically intimate with their partners. Developing a unique sexual style with their partner that focuses on achieving pleasure--not orgasms--is essential to for couples to maintain a healthy sexual relationship that can continue to grow as their relationship matures.
More from Smartmarriages next week.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Greetings From Orlando
No new post this week. I have been attending the Smartmarriages Conference in very rainy and stormy Florida and have been busy learning many new theories and perspectives about sex, infidelity and relationships. I will be sharing everything that I learned with you in the coming weeks and months. Check back next week for my next new post.
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